As I have elected to squander some of my out-of-work-figuring-out-what-I-want-to-do-now-I-have-grown-up time by going to find Winter Sun in an African nation, I had to pay a visit to the travel nurse for jabs an’ tings.
My local doctors’ practice is called the Mission Surgery and, as the name implies, my doctors have God in no small way. Surgery bookshelves are lined with tomes on quitting smoking and vaccinating small children, interspersed with books on finding eternal salvation through the Lord.
I think my nurse took one look at me, decided I was a heathen and elected to punish me by sticking multiple needles into my arm (not overly gently) and telling me off for not coming in sooner. When the ordeal was over, she sighed, shook her head and sent me on my way to the pharmacy with a sore arm and a pamphlet telling me Jesus loved me.
Anyways, all this got me thinking. I’ve always had a rather ambivalent relationship with God. By Christening me as a baby, I think my parents pretty much felt any religious obligations had been thereby fulfilled.
As a child slightly preoccupied with a growing realisation of my own mortality, I did spend a few years considering whether God might be for me. Apparently faith in Him would not only guarantee me a spot in some fluffy-cloud heaven, where angels fed you Philadelphia on toasted bagels, but I could also ask Him for things I wanted. I could pray that my annoying little brother might be replaced by a much cooler, older brother with super-hot friends and that orange denim would be appreciated more (at that time I had a fashion-forward orange denim hot pants and waistcoat set that my mum had bought me – I wish I had a photo of this ensemble, honestly I do, but as I do not, here is an artist’s impression of the sartorial
Please dance with me. No? Oh Ok then........ You get the idea.
Along with my other experimental phases (including three months as a moralistic vegetarian, two days as a black nailed Goth dressing only in crushed velvet and nearly a year as a half hearted chav with a huge diamond in my belly button) my mother never tried to dampen my new-found ardour. Together we went along to a church service in our little Cotswold village. Two hours later, bored rigid and suffering severe smoke inhalation from the heady fumes of incense being wafted about the tiny church, and my mind was made up. God was not for me. Not that I would burn all my bridges, however. I would describe myself as agnostic not an atheist, sometimes I would even pray, just in case. But, religious I wasn’t.
My experience with the nurse has caused me to muse upon my perilous situation vis-à-vis the afterlife. Not only am I not exactly God’s BBF but also I think even the Existentialists (yup, them again) would have little truck with me, given that I am not exactly – in my current jobless state - living up to their idea that we should all jolly well make the best out of the short, pointless lives we have (i.e. by penning depressing literature and being intellectual).
So, in an effort to remedy my spiritual apathy, I have decided to invent my own spiritual-philosophy-religion thing (without lizards or red wrist bands). I am starting my own "ism"…….Aha-ism. The principal tenets of aha-ism are as follows:
History
Formed out of boredom, disillusionment and a love of 1980's pop bands, Aha-ism is the term applied to a body of thought which emerged out of those credit crunch afflicted days of the early 21st century. Taking strands from existentialism and darn-I-don't-have-any-ideals-ism, Aha-ism focuses on those essential life questions such as "can I save my soul from eternal damnation?", "do I need to?", "is it a wise plan to quit your job in the midst of a recession?" and "what is the capital of Mongolia?".
Origins
The term "Aha-ism" is believed to have been coined by an English jobless ginger turned audio book reader (well, it’s on the potential job list) and was henceforth adopted by many others who subscribed to the central themes of Aha-ism (see below).
Concepts
Aha-ist thinkers focus on the individual's search for knowledge, innate capacity to remember useless facts and ability to remember the lyrics to random cheesy pop songs of yesteryear. Aha-ists believe that all these elements help the individual find meaning in life.
Aha-ists subscribe to the "carpe diem" concept of, well, you only get one life so…aha…one should do what makes one happy. However, Aha-ists, unlike the nihilists, do have a strong moral code. They make their beds every morning and would always give up their seats on public transport for the elderly, infirm or for those with child. Furthermore, an Aha-ist would never discriminate on the basis of former careers, lack of co-ordination or hair colour.
I may – possibly, maybe, potentially, a little bit – have too much time on my hands.
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