I have developed a new game, it’s not very sophisticated but it’s keeping me amused. It goes by the original, but to the point, name of “Guess the Profession”. Based on nothing more than an outfit, haircut, facial expression and a reasonable dose of unfair stereotyping, I am taking a punt on people’s jobs.
By way of example, this evening in Spitalfields I saw:
1. Man, brown hair all mussed up in a kind of Russell Brand run out of Dax wax kind of way, battered brief case, vintage brogues, tight trousers, white shirt and large bunch of flowers. Clearly edits a glossy men’s magazine in Clerkenwell, where they throw around words like “zeitgeist”, “Jefferson Hack” and “post modernity”.
Off to meet my stylist girlfriend at Shoreditch House, where we’ll drink vodka tonics and talk about Hedi Slimane, Vampire Weekend and the ironic super powers of deck shoes.
2. Lady, mid-forties, big hair, bigger shoes, status bag, slightly panicked look in her eyes. Partner in a corporate law firm. Obvs. Walking to a swanky new restaurant in Shoreditch for a client dinner, confused that only one road away from the city, people gather on corner drinking pints of fizzy lager and wearing clothes that look like they were bought at a jumble sale. Have these people not got proper jobs?
I do hope my new Birkin bag doesn’t get swiped by one of these unsavouries.....
3. Leggy blonde with bright red lipstick, lace headband across forehead, vintage playsuit and gladiator sandals. Knocking back pints of cider and delicately smoking Marlboro Lights. Hmmmm....tricky....dressing in the uniform of Shoreditch could indicate a multitude of things. She could be a stylist or a ‘professional blogger’ (that seems to be the profession of many a young trendster) or maybe she spends her days hanging out with skinny wannabe rock stars and creating their album artwork from abandoned syringes and dog shit. But no. I wager that she works in the vintage shop off Brick Lane, whilst trying to kick-start a career in journalism. She has so far had an article accepted for Dazed and Confused and is somewhat nonchalantly chuffed about this.
I think I’m probs looking good enough to be snapped by a trend spotter, sure to see my vintage clad ass in the ‘trendy people’ section of a glossy mag before long. Make it Vogue, please God, make it Vogue....
4. Man, tight white t-shirt with a deep v, exposing toned glimpse of chest. Slim trousers and pointy shoes. Graphic designer, for sure. Works for an uber cool graphic design company in Holborn. Spends his days in front of his shiny apple mac supping super strong espressos, visualising concepts and re-branding brands.
I’ll help you design a super cool blog layout, then we’ll hang out at Milk and Honey drinking mojitos and if you’re really lucky I’ll take you home and show you my ipad....
I am sure I am entirely wrong. Number 1 was probably a plumber, number 2 a shop assistant, number 3 a lawyer and number 4 a hedge fund honey.
I wonder if people look at me and think: ginger hair, short skirt, slightly lost look in the eyes. Definitely a jobless waster.
She gave up lawyering to follow her dream of unemployment, poverty and days spent wondering round East London trying to work out strangers’ professions. Her parents are so proud.....
